I LOVE you. Lets be very clear about that.

As you know, we are expecting a little girl in February. For her, we are grateful. We recognize that blessing, and give eternal thanks to the Creator for believing we deserve her.

But…This pregnancy is terrible. Let us, for the duration of this letter separate the baby and the pregnancy. There is so much that you probably do not know, yet invariably speak about every time you see me. I know you have no idea how much it hurts, and I know you care, so lets talk about it.

Just about every time I leave my home, I see one of you. Maybe you see me in a picture on Facebook. So many of you have found it necessary to voice your opinion about how I look. For example:

You say:

“Your face is so skinny!” and grasp your chest with your jaw hanging open

I hear:

“You are ugly. I am shocked at your ugliness. I don’t know why you can’t be normal and gain 20lbs?”

You say:

“You look so sick!”

I hear:

“Something must be wrong with you. Something must be wrong with the baby. Heather needs me to tell her how to get well.”

You say:

“What is going on with you, why are you so unhealthy?”

What I hear:

“You are not gestating correctly. You are causing this. You are a bad mother.”

What you say:

“You look SCARY!”

What I hear:

“I can’t tolerate looking at you. Therefore, I can’t be supportive to you. You are frightening me. Children must run away crying when they see you.”

I could go on and on, but I hope you are starting to get it. Lets talk about what you may not know.

• I have always had panic disorder. When you say such things, it triggers free flowing panic and anxiety that I cannot control.
• I have pregnancy related depression, and spend many of my days crying. I cry most of the time and have to talk myself into seeing people.
• My baby appears to be just fine. She is growing correctly, and is even on the chubby side of things so far.
• I am 40. FORTY. The big 4-Zero. Women do begin to age at 40, and sometimes, that means losing facial fat.
• I am (mostly) healthy! Its sad that I have to broadcast this, but I weigh 163lbs, This is not too thin. I don’t biologically need to gain while I am pregnant. My doctors have told me as much. Also, I was misdiagnosed with gestational diabetes. This caused a lack of weight gain, and a temporary condition called Ketosis. Google it! Trust me, I am full of good, yummy, sugar now.
• MOST IMPORTANT…..Body shaming is NOT OK!!!!!! I know you don’t think that’s what you’re doing, but it is!!! I should not have to justify the way I look. Period. A pregnant belly is not an open invitation for criticism. Ask yourself, if I had gained too much, would you tell me I was fat? What if I really were as deathly ill as I must look? Would you tell me I look scary? Have you brought me brownies? NO! You wouldn’t, and no you have not. So don’t mention my figure. It is RUDE. And when you see ANY pregnant woman, if you can’t help yourself and must comment on how she looks, simply say to her “You look great!” and let it go.

I love you all, but please be mindful of the things you may not know. Because I am beating myself up about it more than you ever could.

Love,

Heather